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Funny Pages: The Real Ravens Are Back, and They're Out for Blood

Posted Sep 14, 2017

As if someone opened a window and let a cold, crisp gust of fall air rush in, an eerily familiar sensation washed over the country last Sunday. The Ravens have one of those nightmare defenses

Did you feel it? 

While fans gathered around to celebrate the return of NFL football, something was different. Most of the games proceeded as planned: touchdown here, field goal there, but suddenly, as if someone opened a window and let a cold, crisp gust of fall air rush in, an eerily familiar sensation washed over the country. What is that? It smells like apples and cinnamon in here. Why is my blood pressure spiking?   

Then, one after the other, they saw it. The Baltimore Ravens, who many thought were dead, have put together one of those defenses. I’m not talking about a “stats” defense that looks pretty on paper … they have one of those nightmare, walls are closing in, the clowns are going to eat me kind of defenses. After years of quiet slumber, the real Ravens are back, and they’re out for blood.

Watching this team pants the Bengals in their home opener gave me flashbacks of ’06. I went with a few friends to see the Ravens open against Tampa that year and couldn’t believe my eyes. That drubbing of the Buccaneers was one of the most dominant games I’ve ever seen. That may not mean much since I was a junior in college and literally everything was amazing back then (I thought “Grandma’s Boy” was the funniest movie of all time), but it means a lot to feel this way about a Ravens defense now that I’m in my 30s; an era when I wake up sad and food has lost all taste. 

Opposing players and coaches, if you’re reading this article (LOLOLOL good one, me), there’s not much I can do to help you out. To put it bluntly, playing the Ravens is going to suck. That’s it. Just grin and bear it. Before you fly over here, please just make sure to review the safety manual:



The defense was so good, it’s easy to forget that the offense was there (and played pretty great). Fantasy owners are going to hem and haw about the lack of offensive fireworks, but if you’ve read any of my articles (hahahahahaha my sides!!), you know I love me some boring football. Also, did everyone take a collective bathroom break when Jeremy Maclin scored his first touchdown as a Raven? It's like we forgot it happened. I feel like we gave our newest FA acquisition a pretty bland reaction. Don't worry "Burt", on behalf of Ravens Nation, welcome to the flock:

That's it for me. Enjoy the weekend, everyone!!


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