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Funny Pages: Baltimore Ravens, Fixer Upper Edition

Posted Nov 24, 2017

The Ravens are a team with a strong foundation and plenty of character, and a little renovation has turned their swarming defense into something special.


CHIP: C'mon babe, we're meeting the Petersons today.

JOANNA: Oh! I've been so excited to meet them. They're newlyweds who are just getting into football. I'd love to find them a team that has an empty bandwagon, and turn them into a Super Bowl champion.

CHIP: I know just the team. They're a scrappy group in Baltimore. They're a little banged up, but if we put in the work, we could have something special there.

JOANNA: Let's get to it!

(HGTV / Fixer Upper)

[CLARA PETERSON'S PHONE RINGS. SHE PICKS IT UP]

CLARA: Hey there Chip, how's it going?

CHIP: Hey Clara! Everything's great. I know I showed you a lot of teams today, so I wanted to see how you're feeling.

CLARA: Well, funny you should mention that, Derrick and I were just chatting, and we're gonna take the Baltimore Ravens. 

CHIP: You're kidding! That was so fast. Y'all just set a new record.

CLARA: Chip, when you know, you know! We thought the Ravens had the best foundation. There's a lot of character in that locker room, and I think their best days are ahead of them.

CHIP: I'm loving this. Sounds like I better get to work. Demo Day can't come fast enough.

[DEMO DAY]

[LOCATION: JOANNA'S OFFICE]

JOANNA: I have some great news. Chip and I were able to shore up the offensive-line for slightly less than we anticipated, so we have a little extra money for improvements. I have a few options: 

(HGTV / Fixer Upper)

DERRICK: Ho boy! The pass rush is important, but I'd love to find the money to buy all three of those (nervous laughter)

CLARA: I guess you could cut back on delivery food like I asked.

DERRICK: (nervous laughter intensifies)

CLARA: I'm serious, Derrick. It's getting out of control.

[DERRICK takes a sip of water, coughs, and spills on his shirt...which ended up being a welcome distraction for Derrick, even though that was his favorite shirt.]

[CLARA covers her face with her hand]

JOANNA: Ok! We'll  – uhh – figure something out. Just give us until the end of the bye week to get everything settled. 

[SEVERAL WEEKS LATER]

(HGTV / Fixer Upper)

DERRICK: This is incredible!

CHIP: We knew you wanted a swarming defense, so we really put an emphasis on that with your team. 

CLARA: It's beautiful! 

JOANNA: You already have three shutouts, but we left you six games in case you want to add a few more. 

DERRICK: Thank you both for everything. I can't wait for Monday Night.

Please Note

The opinions, analysis and/or speculation expressed on BaltimoreRavens.com represent those of individual authors, and unless quoted or clearly labeled as such, do not represent the opinions or policies of the Baltimore Ravens' organization, front office staff, coaches and executives. Authors' views are formulated independently from any inside knowledge and/or conversations with Ravens officials, including the coaches and scouts, unless otherwise noted.

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