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Funny Pages: Welcome to Hell's Kitchen

Posted Dec 1, 2017

Chefs have put together their best Ravens-inspired dishes to present to Chef Gordon Ramsay. How will he like them?


(FOX / Hell's Kitchen / BaltimoreRavens.com)

[CHEF RAMSAY]

Right. We're in Baltimore, so today's challenge will be to create an experience that brings out the flavors of your football. I know how talentless all you chefs are, so I need to make one thing clear: DO NOT GIVE ME FOOD POISONING. Not only will you be removed from the show, but I will haunt you for the rest of your miserable lives. 

What the #!$% are you staring at? LET'S GO, PEOPLE.

CHEF MARGO: Nothing says "Baltimore Football" like run stuffing. The center of the dish is prepared with the heaviest croutons, while the wall on the outer crust will collapse when you try to knife through it. 

CHEF RAMSAY: It's tough. 

CHEF MARGO: It's supposed to be! 

CHEF RAMSAY: You're supposed to be listening right now.

CHEF MARGO: Sorry  

CHEF RAMSAY: It's really tough, it's chaotic, it's a nightmare to cut into. I love it. Nice work, chef.

CHEF RAMSAY: OK, whose disaster is this?

CHEF TODD: It's mine, chef. This is a Screen Bean Passerole. It's meant to be served in chunks and has a light, but  refreshin---

CHEF RAMSAY: ---Is this some kind of joke?

CHEF TODD: No, I---

CHEF RAMSAY: --Because from the look of this dish, you're either having a laugh, or you're seriously trying to hurt me. Everyone in Baltimore knows that screen passes, WHEN DONE CORRECTLY, are an effective way move you through the meal. You should be arrested for this. Get out of my kitchen.

CHEF RAMSAY: A drink?? YOU MADE A BLOODY DRINK??

CHEF KYLE: Yeah, I took a shot. 

CHEF RAMSAY: Every ounce of me wants to boot you off of the show, but the drink is actually quite good. It catches you off guard and really packs a wallop. Something like this can be an exciting twist in an otherwise predictable meal. Nicely done.

CHEF RAMSAY: What on earth have you done here?

CHEF RENA: It's a Forced Blueberry Crumble. It's prepared with a seasoned outer edge and is baked at a very high heat. 

CHEF RAMSAY: The flavors are attacking from all angles. Visually, it's stunning. I really like how the Browns get absolutely smothered by those purple berries. Really fun dish that captures the essence of Baltimore football. I truly didn't think you had it in you.

CHEF RENA: ...thanks?   

CHEF RAMSAY: You're incredibly not welcome.

CHEF RAMSAY: As for the author of this post. What complete dribble. You've managed to waste everyone's time. Why did you feel the need to drag me into this? Let me guess, you saw the photo shoot at the stadium about my new restaurant and thought, "Hey, this could be a silly thing to write about." Well, it's utter rubbish.

(FOX / Hell's Kitchen)

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