Funny Pages: This Year's Ravens Are a Stranger Team

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WELL HELLO. 

In Baltimore, we've been spoiled by some really great football. We've won two Super Bowls in just over twenty years, and have watched some of the best players in NFL history take the field in purple and black. That kind of success can lead to burnout: the idea that once you climb to the top of the mountain, the next trip isn't as exciting. 

Fortunately, the Ravens have been working hard on a solution to counter these effects, and came up with a brilliant new plan: lowering our expectations and then OBLITERATING them. It's freaking genius. 

The bandwagon couldn't have been lighter after the Vikings loss. A mere 96 hours later, the Ravens beat the Dolphins so thoroughly that they traded their star running back away for a fourth-round draft pick. That 40-0 smackdown was the most lopsided shutout win in Ravens history. Frustration, evaporated

I've been saying this all year, there is no middle-ground for the 2017 Ravens, we're either whupping up on our opponent, or we're trapped in the upside-down. This year is going to be weird, we need to expect the unexpected, because we're just a... (dramatic pause)...

STRANGER TEAM

cue the theme music

FUN FACT, if you watched Stranger Things 2 and didn't once think Mad Max looks like a teenage girl version of Ryan Jensen, you don't have eyes that work.

My recommended offensive strategy moving forward:

Before I finish whatever this is, I want to give a special shoutout to the new greatest player in Ravens history: CAT. I don't think I've ever been more entertained than when Tony Romo did a play-by-play on that surprisingly effective run. Also, when this came on the screen, I said "KITTEN THE END ZONE" and everyone groaned. It was great.

(CBS / NFL Network)

Have a great weekend, everyone. Find Will. 

  • Ben
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