Ryan Blake claims he never ate a crayon in kindergarten, but I'll bet my snack pack that he was the kid who stuck them up his nose.
This is the latest evidence that things are pretty grim right now for Ravens fans, and that our youth is a sick (yet funny) bunch.
Blake, a 20-year-old Catonsville resident, came up with a dare/bet with himself that he would eat one purple crayon for each Ravens loss if they fell to the Arizona Cardinals on Monday Night Football.
He had seen people say stuff like "I'll delete my Twitter account" or "I'll go streaking down my street" if the Ravens lose. But that's like periwinkle compared to Ravens purple. It's weak sauce.
"I decided to take it a little further because I was confident that the Ravens would find a way to beat Arizona," Blake said.
Well, after a 26-18 loss, Blake had to pay up … to himself. Thankfully, he recorded this on YouTube because that's what kids these days do. You can watch the video here or above. If you needed a warning, it's a little disgusting.
Blake had the decency to allow himself some condiments to go with the crayons: caramel sauce, chocolate sauce, Old Bay, cinnamon, spicy mustard, and Steak & Shake seasoning that his friend Ashley stole from a restaurant in Florida (more stellar youth decisions).
Note to self for my next tailgate: per Blake's account, Old Bay was, by far, the best topping with a purple crayon – further proof that it goes with absolutely anything. Also, apparently the flavor changes with different shades of purple crayons.
At two points during the video, Blake starts to lose his Ravens faith, saying he hates them and that being a Ravens fan was the worst decision of his life (except for when they won the Super Bowl).
So now that the crayons have passed over his taste buds, does he still feel the same way?
"Of course I don't actually hate the Ravens," Blake said. "Sometimes I hate watching them, especially when frustration is the common theme. But I love the Ravens no matter what, even when they make me eat crayons. Just ask the Joe Flacco Fathead on my wall."
So will Blake be eating any more crayons if the Ravens keep losing?
"I haven't thought much about future games yet," he said. "I'm willing to make this same bet if we lose to Bye Week. I hear they have a shaky secondary and we should be able to exploit them. I'm sure I'll at least do something for the next Steelers game."
Funny kid and I'm kinda excited to see what's next. To be honest, he reminds me of myself. Smh.
Blake isn't too good at predictions though. At one point during the video, he laments, "I'm going to [poo] purple."
FINALLY, we have an appropriate use for the purple poo emoji!
Being a respectable journalist, I had to follow up on this.
"Fortunately, I did not. Not yet, at least," he said. "I did, however, feel a little iffy afterward and I don't think that was the Old Bay's fault."