Funny Pages: Class of 2017 Rookie Cards

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We're back, baby!!

Football is just a measly three days away, and I couldn't possibly be more excited. After the Ravens executed a flawless Next Man's Next Man's Next Man Up strategy this offseason, it appears we have a formidable 53-man roster buttoned up and ready to dominate.

On paper, the Ravens are boasting an absolutely terrifying defense, and some of the best weapons our offense has had to play with in ... ever. Still, there are a lot of new faces on the roster – which can get a little confusing – so I've put together some Rookie Playing Cards to help you get aquatinted with the newcomers. 

FUN FACT none of the content in this article is a GIF. Please don't spend your life waiting for Dean Pees to bust out of one of these cards on a motorcycle. I'm obviously *extremely upset *that I didn't think about doing that until this exact moment, but yeah ... all illustrations today.

KEY STAT TO WATCH

QB Nightmare Average: 3.2 hrs per sleep

FUN FACT

Marlon is the same height as Elvis Presley

KEY STAT TO WATCH

Mentions of College Basketball Career by Announcers: 2.8 times per game

FUN FACT

Tyus played basketball in college.

KEY STAT TO WATCH

Taunts Per Sack: 1.7

FUN FACT

"Tea-Time" is not an official nickname and was created because I wanted to draw Tim with a monocle. Regardless, please continue to use it.

KEY STAT TO WATCH

First Names Per Full Name: 2

FUN FACT

Bam enjoys long sacks near the beach, organic tackles for loss, and forcing fumbles at sunset.

KEY STAT TO WATCH

Curse Words Whispered By Opposing D-Lineman: 5.9 per game

FUN FACT

Ee sounds like ee's frum Lowndone (not really, I mean, he's FROM London, but hearing him talk is not like watching Monty Python or anything).

KEY STAT TO WATCH

Interceptions Per Play: Infinity

FUN FACT

Jaylen is both the hero we want and the hero we deserve.

KEY STAT TO WATCH

Positions Played: 2 so far

FUN FACT

You probably are just now noticing that I drew him as Jean-Luc Picard from Star Wars.

KEY STAT TO WATCH

Minutes It Took To Draw That Terrible Hat:5

FUN FACT

I know Jean-Luc Picard is not from Star Wars. Calm down.  


Enjoy the weekend, Ravens fans! If you'd like to have something weird illustrated for your Facebook, or your Twitter, or just because you're curious to see how it'd look, feel free to reach out on Twitter / Reddit / leave a super angry comment below. 

Your suggestions COULD end up in next week's Funny Pages!

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